Fun with Fiber

A few years ago, I tweaked my diet to try and lower my cholesterol. Being a nerd, I created a giant spreadsheet to track all those nutritional numbers you see on the back of food packages, and tried to limit the bad stuff and increase the good stuff. That’s a whole separate story, but one of the things I had to increase was my fiber intake, so I ate more bran, wheat, raw cardboard and sawdust. And I created a number of stupid recipes. I’ll share two of them below.

Triscuit Nachos

A serving of Triscuits is six crackers and contains 3 grams of fiber for 11 % of your daily allowance. Spread out a sheet of triscuits, cover it with melted cheese, salsa, guacamole, etc. Eat the whole damn thing. Sure it’s a texture deviation from tortilla chips, but you’re doing this for better colon health! Twenty-four crackers equals four servings, that’s 44% of your daily allowance!

Citrus Shitbomb

Mix eight ounces of orange juice, 2 tsps of Benefiber (Metamucil or Citrucel work well too), and a shot of whiskey or* tequila or rum or vodka. If you’re using Benefiber, you can sip it, but with either of the other two fiber additives you’ll have to chug this thing before it chunks up on you. The OJ adds no fiber, but 2 tsps of Benefiber adds 3 grams totaling 12%** of your daily fiber.

Combine one plate of Triscuit Nachos (44%) and five Citrus Shitbombs (5×12%=60%) to get a whole day’s fiber in one sitting! Then pass out on the toilet. Or, you know, maybe skip the alcohol for the sake of your liver, and pass out on the toilet anyway.


*I’m saying “or” because if you mixed all of that, you would probably die. Don’t make this into a scorpion bowl.

**Why does 3 grams of fiber equal 11% for the triscuits and 12% for the Benefiber? I don’t know! I’m just reading the labels. There’s probably some rounding on either or both.

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